worker bee blues

I haven't been happy about work since last year, and I don't think much has improved since I quit my last job and got into this whole freelance-lark. It's a bit hard to admit, since I do so adore writing, and I wouldn't trade the chance to write for a living for anything in the world.

At first I thought it was because I was working in the media, but if I think carefully - working in the media has been a fun and rewarding experience. I've met so many (no other words for it) awesome people, and have tried my hands at so many things I never thought I'd do, and ended up enjoying the experience.. well 90% of it. Which I think is a pretty good percentage, considering how many of my own friends have hated their first jobs and opting out of their chosen trade within months of starting it.

I like styling. I got to meddle in interior design and artsy-fartsy stuff, which honestly was heaven for me. And most important still - I got to write.

Quitting my job was a hard decision, especially as technically I had fun, and enjoyed the process.. but I was getting dragged down by certain persons who made my working experience not enjoyable. I thought working freelance jobs might work out well for me, but not really. I get to choose my jobs, sure.. But it's just not as fun. I don't think I'm cut out for this whole 'working on my own' thing. I prefer being in the company of other people. (I know. Say it ain't so! But I swear this is really me talking, it's weird.)

So now I'm looking around, and trying to dip my toes in something else. Something that's a bit related to my degree perhaps?

But the media world has been knocking on my door again.

Even though I said I'd never go back, and I feel like I'll be eating my own shit if I go back.. Seriously. Siren calls. I know how comfortable it is working in a magazine, and if the support system promised is actually there - it will be glorious.

Argh.

...

Reading back this post - it looks terrible and barely coherent. But I honestly don't have the energy to edit anything right now. Ah well. You'll have to bear with it.

a little like drowning, and a little like flying

For as long as I can remember, I'd get this weird feeling every now and then.. I used to wake up panicked and sweating, breathing hard because for a moment it feels like everything stopped. Sometimes my mouth feels like it's filled with plasticine and no matter how hard I try to clamp my mouth shut, I just can't. There's a horrid taste in my mouth, and a cloying, sweet smell that I just can't stand.

It probably means something, and I should probably look it up, but it's been with me for so long that I've kinda gotten used to the whole thing. I never wake up in cold sweat over it anymore, and it has kinda lost its scary vibe. It used to mean that I'll have an awful week of trying to get rid of that smell that seems to somehow linger, and trying to convince myself that no, everything is fine, so hush. These days.. Not so bad. Oh I'll have a few days of feeling unsettled, a vague feeling of something left unfinished.. Of feeling a little sad, and lost, and a little like I'm drifting.. And then it'll be over. 

It's not an entirely unpleasant feeling. I don't know how to explain it. It's like when you're a little lost in your thoughts, in the middle of a crowded street. Or when you have headphones on, and the world feels a little disjointed because the mouths around you aren't saying the words you're hearing, and it's a little too bright outside because you're listening to a song that's perfect for a dark, stormy night.
 

Even if I look at the clock
I don’t have time, goodbye now
Even if I look at the calendar
I don’t have any memories now
 

I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads
Music that no one listens to anymore
I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater

Even if I look at the phone
I don’t have any relationships now
Even if I look into the mirror
In there, there’s no confidence now

Tablo - Expired