Obsession part Une

So. I sometimes get obsessed with random boiz. This is my current stalkee on youtube, and I've spent entirely too much time listening to him sing.



Name: Cameron Mitchell
Obsession origin: The Glee Project

Actually, I've never seen a single episode of the glee project. But my cousin (who rarely swoons over boiz), told me to google this guy, and now here I am. Ogling. Because he's very ogle worthy. He's so cute! But mainly I'm here because of the voice.

I love the kind of voices guys like him has, I swoon and I giggle and I squee. And I love his choice of covers. Above is his cover of the Beatles's song 'Blackbird'. A song I've over played for a while now. I love the original version, and I have several cover versions I also over play, and I have to say.. I'm probably going to over play Cameron's version a lot too.

And THIS is the song that got me falling in love with him:



I love, love, love this song as well. And I love his version of it. Just.. *swoon*

(His voice is amazing, and I have a weakness for geeky-hipster-types. Gimme awkward guys any day over overtly-macho-men-types :p I'm weird like that.)

Linger - May you live with no regrets.

Before you read on.. This was something I wrote a while back.. A long while back. It was actually a gift fic for Ilvan J. Casajid's 20th birthday.. Or as he is known these days - Calvin. One my favourite people in the world. Because he's a good friend, he has an amazing brain, and we giggle together over the strangest things.

His request? For me to write something surreal. And like most things I wrote back in the day - this one ended up as angst. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

Edited a little, because I'm older and I know better than my 20 year old self. Here goes..!

***

We come with the glitter studded sky, hiding in the soft folds of night.

Unseen. Unheard. Unexpected.

No.

He sees Us. Hears Us. Expects Us. He alone knows, and he alone understands. We've come to haunt. With a grace never seen by Our victims, We'll glide softly through the air, caressing and coaxing all to incoherent insanity. The gentlest hold slowly turning to a choke. None will die, yet all will be scarred.

He smiles. For he believes himself prepared. Delusional fool.

Cocooned in a castle of stone, protected, but never from me, never from Us. No gates will hinder Us, no guards will stop Us. Hidden between paintings great and armours cold, but still We will seek him. And always, We know.. I know where he is.

He is different tonight. I can feel it from his firm footsteps as he strides to his piano, a determination I have not seen for so long so apparent on his weathered face. I'll call her here. His thoughts ring loud and clear. More determined than it has been in years. I've nothing to fear. Not of the dark, not of the deafening silence that comes with her presence, and especially not of her.

His determination amuses Us, and We smile. With a single nod, They leave me, because he is mine. It is not him that They've come for, but he is what I have come here for. He is mine.

As he sits on the soft velvet cushion, it begins.

With every gentle stroke he will remember me.

The golden sunlight of a glorious summer day. The depressed dark of a room shielded by heavy curtains. A tinkling laughter. A heaving sob. The light cheerfulness of a cotton dress. The fragile beauty of a white nightgown. He will remember and so he will weep.

A wispy figure, a fading memory.

He shivers, yet he doesn't stop playing. He knows I am here, as I have been every night for ten years. I approach him softly, my light footsteps lost on thick carpet. He knows it's time.

Softly I stroke his graying hair. Has it been so long already? Dignified lines grace his face, and I mourn my own smooth cheeks, a face that will never be tarnished by wisdom and experience. I kiss the stanger's head, for the man I knew is all but gone. He tries to ignore me. He always does. But he knows he will surrender. Because in the end, it is all he can do.

Resigned to this nightly ritual, he starts.

Note by note, his hands danced, creating a haunting melody, and I shiver in anticipation. His figure lazily sways, betraying the speed of his elegant fingers, flirting to and fro over the ebony and ivory keys. The caress of a lover, deceptively loving, ever hating.

My song. He may hate with all the power that remains within him. But this is my song.

Neither here, nor there, he drifts in memories. Slowly drowning under exquisite torture. For there I was, as he saw me last. Beneath a sky much like tonight, a peaceful dark illuminated by moonlight. A light breeze ruffling the trees, breaking the hold the heat had on us. Stifling. Infuriating. Provoking.

Words, like knives hurtle to and fro. Calculated to sting. Unintended pain. It was the same. Yet different. There were no apologies, even as everything came to a grinding halt. Every joy ignored. Every pain magnified.

The song builds to a crescendo.

An expensive vase, thrown carelessly. Shattering in a cloud of angry white shards. Plummeting to the carpeted floor. A single crash and silence. A threat unheeded. The start of forever.

He whispers once more, enunciating clearly in whispers, words he would never forget.

Die then and leave me be.

Jump and be at peace.

Whine no more, wench.

Anger. There was so much anger. His mind abandons the present completely for the past, as he hears me whisper goodbye once more. Curls that forever frame my face wave in a gesture of farewell as I stand on the ledge, he walks away and doesn't see the tears track down my face.

Goodbye.

Falling.

Falling.

Fallen.

He turns then, and I remember, floating up, weightless, embraced by Them, as They welcome me to Their fold. They smile and point, him. A broken figure, curled on the floor in grief.

NoNoNoNoNo.

Fascinated I delve more into the voice that echoes endlessly. Ricocheting around the walls and going through me in delicious waves.

Don'tLeaveDon'tLeaveDon'tLeave

They teach me then, guiding my luminescent hands to his heart and taught me. I cradled his heart, unsure of what to do.

They smiled.

They always, always smiled.

Powerful thuds, loud and fast. I stroke with my thumb and I hear quiet whimpers. I looked at Them in wonder. And in turn They guide me, full of tenderness. They tightened my grip.

Squeeze.

He hurts and I smile.

We smile.

Raw anguish. So potent. An intoxicating drug feeding me, encasing my broken heart in steel. I will never leave you. A smile and I gently cradle his heart, squeezing harder and harder still with every moment that passes, he sobs but he doesn't stop.

He can't stop.

With bleeding fingers he will play. With frostbite damaged nerves, he will play. I love you…

Forcefully he ends the song. Head no longer light, determination no longer present. He leans forward, refusing to see me. A pathetic broken figure of a man.

It matters not. My presence here is not out of wish to be seen, only to be felt. He acknowledges me by anticipation of pain, it is enough. I release him and bid him good night, leaving a tender kiss upon his pale lips.

I am regret. I am guilt. I am remorse. And I will never leave you.

Door-knocking

So.. I wrote this over a week ago, with the intent of posting it on this very blog:

*

"You know when you’re heart is beating so hard that you can feel the veins in your neck grotesquely pulsing, and just about every part of you is in pain as your stomach clenches nervously..? Yes. That.

By nature I am not a very brave person. I’m actually rather like the cowardly Lion. I’d rather hide behind the ginger kid, serving her up as a sacrificial lamb rather than face anything remotely scary head on.

To be fair, I’ve been told ginger kids are supposed to be sacrificial lambs.

Aha! Forgive me, I’ve just broken my fast, and my inner snark is itching to be released.

But to be serious..

I am rather cowardly."

*

The feeling of being petrified passed, but I thought it'd be a shame not to share my utter terror over sending a simple email. Yes. Sending an email.

To be fair the email may or may not change my life for the better, but still - it was only an email.

Change does terrify me though, which is weird.. Considering I moved a lot as a kid, and saying hello in front of a large classroom full of curious eyes happened at least once every three or so years. But it seems that along the way, the mere notion of change freezes me up.

It's one of those things I'm trying to deal with - wish me luck!

Knocking on doors shouldn't be too hard, right?

I'm really sorry that I occasionally serve up really annoying, cryptic posts. ;)

Bags ahoy!

And not the type I'm obsessed over either. Talking about bags under my eyes, great, big, black bags that make me look like I've not slept in years.

Below is a very careful, very accurate picture of me:


Although I was informed that the hair was nowhere near curly enough to resemble me. So this was my second attempt:

I'm guessing it's still not curly enough, as my hair has the tendency to frazzle under stress. Not that I'm stressed. I don't think I am anyhoo.

I just REALLY need to be at the beach. NOW.

I was over at The Dork's house (hence known as D or Dork) the other day with Bee (buzz buzz), The Overachiever (hence known as TO), and Quin.. And we were having fun, just relaxing, watching a movie that seemingly went no where.. Well, I say 'we'. They watched the movie, I fell asleep about a quarter of the way in. It was SO NICE.

I miss bumming around so much. Jakarta is.. hectic. I love this city but I always feel like I'm hurtling towards something. Even in traffic I feel rushed.

I just need a quick weekend getaway.

I. Must. Stop, Downloading. Pr0n

Bet that got your attention.

I blew my load a little early on this particular post. Pretty much anything I'll say after this will sound boring. So ADIEU!

*floats away quite elegantly*


(My blog seems rather abandoned lately. I felt obligated to post.)

A random awesome person in this random awesome world

Around 2 years ago, I was faffing around on the internets, all broken hearted and sad and generally not feeling all that great, and I stumbled upon An Awesome Book.. click the link! In fact.. look at the cover of the book, and you wont be able to resist clicking this link!



I don't remember how I found it, but I was there and it cheered me up infinitely. It's such a wonderful little book about dreaming, and dreaming big, and never stopping. I loved it so much that I stalked the author to his blog and wrote an email to him, saying I hope he never stops. And he apparently never did (nothing to do with my email, I'm very sure!)..

A day or two ago I received a notification from twitter of someone requesting to 'follow' me, it was Mr. Dallas Clayton himself! Not sure what I clicked, but I declined his invite, but I went over to his page anyways, and I was reminded once more of how much I enjoyed his writing, and short illustrated poetry on his blog. So off I went once more, and it was just as fun as it was back then!

I like finding random awesome things on the internet :) To everyone who finds only misery on the web, it's obvious that this is because they never go about looking for the fun and wonderful things it offers! I'm constantly stumbling over absurdly creative people, whose brains I want to pick, and gorgeous, gorgeous minds that I end up befriending.

So yes. Dallas Clayton. And his Awesome Book. I want to buy it, and the cute dinosaur poster up on his site.. Which I'll definitely do next pay check.

Jimmy Eat World, Mousey Eat Liver

*cough* That's a very lame joke by the way, 'eat liver' is an Indonesian saying which basically means 'annoyed'.. It has nothing to do with this post, I just thought I'd share the very lame joke which I keep putting up because.. Drum roll please!

JIMMY EAT WORLD IS COMING TO JAKARTA!

F*CK YEAH!

.. Pardon my French, but yes. I'm super excited, because I'm a huge fan. I'm dragging along my evil twin to the gig because he's an awesome guy who said yes when I begged him.

Jimmy Eat World brings about the happy memories of listening to tapes at at a deafening volume, riding my bike after school, angsting over silly teenage things. They stayed with me as I spent nights driving with the music blaring (still at a deafening volume), while I drive through the cold, empty roads in Bandung at night.. Every album has it's own meaning for me, so yes.. I'm just a tiny bit excited.

.. The gig is April 3rd, and my heart has been beating a little faster at seeing them live ever since I first heard that they were coming.

Yes, I'm prone to exaggerating, and being dramatic. See this huge smile -> =D ..? It's 100 times larger in real life.