sometimes I don't remember writing things down..

But then I find a .doc file saved in my folders and I read words that sound completely alien to me. This.. was a file titled 'Death', from April of 2011.

Not sure if 'enjoy' is the right word to use here..

---

Cigarette in hand, bleary bloodshot eyes struggling to stay open and a head full of ideas that just won’t go away. She doesn’t know when she last had a shower, the very stereotypical image of a writer too immersed in her art. She’s even writing about herself in third person, and the stupidity of the situation isn’t lost on her.

But the words have been held in for too long, and she can’t stop them from spewing out. Endless incoherent ideas, and half formed thoughts. Fragments of conversations, whispered by the phantoms occupying her, a thousand faceless characters she dreams of.

They scare her sometimes.

She tried to suppress them, but they scratch at her from the inside, and it was starting to hurt. Her imagination kicks into overdrive and she sees her body as a shell, barely containing an army of gruesome hybrids of... things. Half solid, half phantasm, long claws and sinister cackles. So close. So close to the surface.

She feels as if she’s fighting a losing battle. And soon they’ll be out.

The monsters that lurk in the darkest recesses of her mind.

Her reality and their reality collide, and the already blurred lines fade into obscurity.

Blood. Hands. Death.

Mere words. The blood she sees on her hands, a poetic rendering of her over active imagination.

And outside the sirens blare.

Kinda floating on by

Like a plastic bag wavering, going wherever. Flighty and weightless.

And finally.. Finally feeling 'happy' instead of just 'content'. I liked my job, but some people and some aspects of it just sucked too much out of me. It cut into every aspect of my life, leaving me drained and irritable and prickly. I didn't like who I was becoming.

So I quit. And now..

Hopefully now I can start working on the things I've neglected for a while.

It's Feb again!

This is the year that I turn 26. It's a bit scary but somehow uneventful.

I'm not the most mature person out there, and birthdays usually make me giddy with expectations of fun, fun, FUN things (that I planned for myself). But this year I'm kinda down in the dumps.


Fingers crossed I'll be happy on the actual day. ^^

- word barf 2 -

She doesn’t want to forget. But she wonders if she’ll remember her own writing.

“People write song about girls like you.” Is the first thing she writes. She remembers his over confident face, ruined by unfocused eyes and the heavy reek of alcohol that seemed to physically waft around him. She walked away with a smile, shaking her head at his pick-up line. She looked back once and saw his crumpled face, disappointed and dejected, as his friends surrounded him, laughing pointing good naturedly. On impulse she strides back towards him and kisses him, fast and hard, before walking away once more. Laughter and whoops of encouragement from the strangers that would one day become her friends accompanying her walk.

She wonders if her diary will read like a novel. She wonders if she’ll ever really understand how important those first words were for her. If she’ll remember her own misery that night, and how he made her laugh.

She writes carefully, chronicling every moment of their life together. Pen on paper, as physical evidence.

She doesn’t want to forget.

- word barf 1 -

You don't know if it is a good thing that she stopped screaming. Because now she's working her way through the pile of magazines that sat at the end of your bed. Tearing each page calmly, methodically. A serene smile gracing a face so at peace that it doesn't quite match her disheveled state. You tried to hold her hands earlier but a flicker of intelligence in her eyes stopped you. Just let me be. They seemed to plead to you, nary a word spoken. So you sighed, and stroked her hair gently.

"I'll be right here." And you wonder if this time... You wonder if this time she'll come back to you.

Contemplations

The first three months of every year always finishes too quickly. Soon this feeling of elation and the whisper of brand new adventures will quickly dwindle to broken promises, could have been’s, and ‘shit-why-didn’t-I-do-that’-s.

But luckily it’s still January, and I’m in a fairly good mood. Lots of plans still to come, and many more in the making. And recently I came across some good news that got me giggling like a giddy school girl (although, admittedly.. I do tend to giggle quite easily.)

So while I’m happy.. I thought I’d write about things I’m thankful for.

My two years worth of work experience – yes, in total. Because I’m a lazy bum, and although the idea of part-timing occurred to me, I never needed it so I never went through with it. Ain’t I a privileged b*tch? – will happen in a month and a bit. March 1^st to be precise. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a first job where I learnt lots of valuable lessons and got to meet an amazing group of people who made me laugh, who would skive off work with me, and were hilarious to boot. I miss them all terribly now that I’m not entirely in love with all my co-workers in my current office. But that gripe is for my private conversations, and not the internet’s legion of ghost-faces, and creepy stalkers.

I fully realize how much a lazy-bum I am, and although I do try very hard to change it – it’s not happening quickly enough. So my work experience has largely been filled with pleasant surprises where people trust me enough to get on and work my mojo on various things I’m supposed to handle. Yes, I’ve had mini breakdowns where I thought it’d be best if I quit and never force my incompetent ways on the innocent work-force of Indonesia ever again, and days when all I wanted to do was smear mud all over people faces and stomp on their thighs (because thigh-stomping sounds more vicious than feet-stomping, but not as violent as face-stomping.).. But on the whole, I’ve never been so stressed that I ended up crying in the middle of a busy road, wailing for someone to please save me.. And I think.. I’m pretty chuffed. I’m not where I wished I was, but it’s good. Better than good in fact.. I’m in a great place right now.

I look around at my best friends, and can honestly say that while we’re not all ecstatic about where we are, with varying degrees of frustration.. We’re at least learning to walk on our own two feet. Looking back.. These people I grew up with, who I shared showerless weeks with, who wondered about our vague collective future with.. Look how far we’ve come. :)

Walk Off The Earth - Somebody That I Used to Know (Gotye - Cover)

Just.. BUH. I can't even.. This is serious ear candy. No idea who Gotye is, but Walk Off The Earth did a kickass cover of their song. And on one instrument no less. Enjoy :)

And available for download too! mp3 download: http://bit.ly/yrnlSA