.. I'm trying to sleep, but I spent the past hour refusing to shut my eyes because last night's nightmare was.. terrifying.
It wasn't chilling. It didn't leave me shaking. but it was just terrifying.
The details escape me now, but I was basically living one day over and over again. Wake up, make sure my two brothers are up, usher them to the kitchen, feed them, run to school. Wake up, make sure my two brothers are up, usher them to the kitchen, feed them, run to school. Over and over again.
I had become so confident in the routine that I did it with my eyes half closed.
Then the dream suddenly skipped back a night.
It showed my house, which was nice, and had a beautiful glass roof. Conveniently located next to a gothic-style church, which apparently - my parents take care of.
I understood that it was Halloween, and my mother was apprehensive about the night because 14 years before, someone dived off the highest tower and landed right in front of her. She hated Halloween ever since. And chaperoning little girls who kept running around to see the church's towers, with no fear of heights, was not her idea of fun.
I assured her that all was well and the night passed uneventfully.
So came the next day.
Wake up, make sure my two brothers are up, usher them to the kitchen, feed them, run to school.
Which I did with a smile, because something inside me was singing happily, telling me the dream was almost over.
So just as we were about to run off to school, I stopped. I dug my hands in a sack of flour and stood there frozen. Saying something over and over again..
"Please no. Don't jump. Nonononono. Please don't."
My mum and two brothers looked at me, half curious, but mostly confused. Mum reached towards me and it was at that moment I jammed my fingers in my ears and screamed. I can feel the flour in my ears, and I remember the whoosh of a heavy object landing behind me. And screaming.
Lots of screaming. Two little boys screaming endlessly, terrified. My mum choking out short bursts of alarm. And my own.
The worst sound was the stranger's scream - which stopped the moment the glass roof broke.
And amidst the chaos, I remember thinking 'An angel must have done it. An angel must have forced me to live this day over and over till I could go through it without thought. Getting my timing just right.' Because had I been late just a minute - The girl would have fallen while I looked on. Or worse - she would have fallen on top of me.
And then I woke up.
I couldn't get back to sleep. I was terrified.
And every time I closed my eyes, I'd see the same girl falling. Off buildings. Off mountains. Off airplanes.
And now I can't sleep. I'm still terrified.