Monday, 24 October 2011

I don’t have trust issues!

.. I just have issues.

Aha. Ahaha. Ahahaha.

Today’s random musing is brought to you by a random rant-y journal entry from back in 2006 when an ex of mine pointed out that I have trust issues, and I got really pissy. I don’t, by the way. Not more so than the average person, imho..

People form their opinions and perceptions of you based on the most random things, and you form your own opinion of what YOU are like based on the way you want to be seen.

I think I’m geeky, very bookish, and somewhat shy. This is because I think geeks are cool, words mean the world to me, and people scare me. But I’ve been told that although I have many interests that could be classed as ‘geeky’, I am in fact – not really all that geeky. The bookish thing people pick up on quickly enough, as I usually have a few books lying around, and I really am obsessed with words (English words to be precise..).. But the ‘somewhat shy’ bit makes people laugh. At my face. Loudly and obnoxiously.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve found it easier to talk to strangers, although they still terrify me. I can do the whole ‘small talk’ thing no probs, and my smiling-like-a-serial-killer-whenever-introduced-to-new-people thing has all but dissapeared. I attribute these changes to my super cool friends who like to drag me out to meet THEIR super cool friends. Although I still get anxious, and awkward, I guess ‘somewhat shy’ needs to be struck out of the list of words I currently use to describe myself.

Changing my own perceptions about myself is one hell of a difficult thing to do though, I have so many hang ups on things I thought were ‘not cool’ but it turns out I have to do them today, or now that I have become That-Person-I-Would-Have-Avoided-A-Million-Years-Ago, it’s a bit hard to say to myself ‘it’s okay, you’re still you..!’. As hard as it is to slap myself awake, trying to change other people’s perception of me is double-y hard. In fact, double it, square it, and times it by a million, and you’re still nowhere near close to how hard it is. Especially amongst people who grew up with me. People who saw me at my worst, and at my best, and think that they know – at heart – what I’m like.

I think I’ve all but given up on pointing out to cerain people that I’m not an opinionated 18 year old anymore (still opinionated, but not 18.. So should maybe hopefully kinda maybe know better..)

So.. Trust issues? This doesn’t seem to have much to do with the post, and truthfully – it doesn’t.. The random observation from the past triggered an hour long contemplation (in the toilet no less), and I’ve concluded the one thing that remains true from back then till now is – I don’t give a flying f***. 


1 comment:

colson said...

The problem with a lot of brains is that they occasionally target the person itself for a merciless critical appraisal. Self-consciousness equals a lot of brains.

I didn't know the expression "a flying f...". But I love it. So appropriate and so crystal clear.

By the way, this thought will keep haunting me: "was I one of those terrifying strangers??". Tonight I will lie awake waiting for the morning light to come.... :)