Urges, indeed.

My latest attempt at controlling certain annoying urges I have - has failed.. quite miserably.

I alphabetized my book shelf so I can stop being so anal about the way its organized, but I took one look at it once it was done and felt so miserable I ended up locking myself up in the bathroom for five minutes.

I used to chop up my book shelf into bits. Dividing my books into genres that don't make much sense except to me.. Here's just an example of one - YA fantasy books I like: sub category - stand alones (organized by author, then height, then thickness), finished series and ongoing series. Then there's the YA fantasy books I tolerate, and then YA fantasy books I like but can live without.

See, in my head this makes sense.

This of course ends up with me being incredibly frustrated and pretty much pissed a lot of the times when people pick books off my shelf and put them in random places they really don't belong in.

All my ex-housemates can and will happily testify just how messy I am. I seriously leave everything out, jumbled up, and no - most of the times you can't see the floor. But being neat is just too exhausting. And will end up with me snarling if you so much as put one thing out of place, and this of course in turn will end up with me having no friends. Being messy is a much friendlier option. My friends can tell me off and make fun of me - but at least I'll still have friends.

I wish I could be reasonable about this, but its so hard.

And its so idiotic that I'm having a mini-breakdown because of my books.

Dear Goddess above..! I'm so frustrated right now. I can't have my books fully organized because at least 25% of it is out on loan, and there are some missing that I can't account for (which makes me want to scratch my face off). And having them alphabetized doesn't make sense. And I want to change it all to the way it was, so I can feel safe and good and comfortable. BUT I WONT.

Because this really needs to stop.

And this is only my attempt at organizing my books. Which I'll admit is a big part of me as a person and my life (I can die happy amidst books), but I really can't imagine how I'll cope when I start simplifying my wardrobe, my jewelery drawer.. and shoes.. ARGH.

It sounds ridiculous, I know. I want to give in. And this might not make sense to lots of people.. Why change things you're comfortable with, if it makes you this angry? Why indeed..

I guess I'm trying to prove to myself that I control my urges, and not the other way around.

Ah fuck this.

Motivation

So. Apparently one of my best friends thinks that I need motivation. And his idea of 'motivation' was to approach two girls who were looking up sky-diving on youtube and chatting about it, and dragging me over to chat with them about traveling around Indonesia.

I'm very awkward when it comes to actually talking to new people, I usually plaster on a smile and just nod occasionally and blank out - and then laugh at the wrong moments. So imagine the double dose of awkwardness I felt when he sprung that particular surprise on me.

So there we were, four strangers (or, as it were - two pairs of strangers), standing around two separate tables, talking. All the while I had the image of a kid shouting 'stranger danger! stranger danger!' at me..!

Turns out the girls were actually pretty helpful and quite friendly, and amazingly knowledgeable about quiet, secluded beaches.

And strangely enough it worked. I'm feeling quite motivated.

I have amazingly awesome friends. (Or quite possibly - awesomely amazing friends. I haven't quite decided)

Simple smiles

One of my random happy memories is of walking away from my cousin's house and spotting an old lady peering out of her window across the street. I smiled spontaneously at her and waved. She gave me the biggest smile I have ever seen and waved back.

I love smiling at strangers and have them smile right back at me.

Yesterday I was in my car, my window still winding up after I paid for parking. I smiled at the parking attendant and thanked him, and I was blinded by his smile. I always try to thank people and smile as I go about my daily chores, but its quite rare to receive a blinding smile in return.

A while back I posted a video called Validation (post found here), which never fails to cheer me up.. And though the video is a huge exaggeration of the positive outcomes of smiles and compliments, it does help remind me to be positive.

Random memories of strangers smiling at me is a strangely satisfying reward. I'm not a great believer in people, in general.. But sometimes.. Sometimes humanity is a-okay. You're alright in my book today.

A HUGE sigh of relief.

Please DON'T read on if you haven't yet seen Star Trek and don't want to read spoilers. I wont be talking about the plot per se, but I might accidentally mention things you don't really want to know about.

Now, I may not be as big a Star Trek geek as my brother (who used to buy the freaking magazines connected to Star Trek), but I have enough invested in it that I am filled with glee at the mere mention of the franchise.. Well, a while ago I had a mini freak out on my old blog (here, if you're interested) regarding the upcoming Star Trek movie, and now that its out.. Well the fact I haven't' spontaneously combusted should clue you in to how I'm feeling..!

STARTING MOVIE TALK NOW. LEAVE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.



...



Oh my FREAKIN' GAWD. It was so made of win. Awesomeness personified. Oh.. oh.. oh. The cast..! The story line..! Ooohh. Oh. Oh. Ohhhh.

I think my heart did a little flutter.. no.. it went flip-flop like a fish out of water.. when I was first given a glimpse of the Enterprise.. NCC-1701! Without letters! I embarrassingly let out a little squeal. She was so beautiful, and shiny and sleek, yet still bulky yet just so gorgeous at the same time (bulky in comparison to how she'd look as NCC-1701-D).. Oh prettyfulness.

Zachary Quinto as Spock was perfect, and I apologize to Chris Pine for ever doubting him.. He had Kirk's swagger down to a T. Brilliant. And Karl Urban as McCoy..! AHAHA! I laughed my ass off at his entrance in the movie. Oh McCoy.. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. :D

Relax, I'm not going to name each and every character and squeal, no matter how much I want to do it. I've only seen the movie twice so a lot haven't sunk in yet (with a movie like this - you need to watch it several times), but I haven't found anyone to be an annoying miss-cast.

So yes.

Sorry for the incoherent blabberings. I don't know where to start!! I do so adore this movie!

Uh..

Okay. Bad/not necessarily good stuff first.

What was up with the huge yet totally unnecessary alien-carnivores chasing Kirk? You might argue that its a plot point to push Kirk along, but I dunno.. And the water in the superbly designed Romulan ship..? And the engineering room looking that primitive..? Water turbines? Really? Did you have to do that?

And Nokia?

Pffthz. Please.

But despite those.. Oh dear Lord, I need to go see this movie again. And soon. All the while the movie was playing I had a commentary going on in my head.. Example? Well : "Oh you silly little boys! Kiss and make up soon wont you? Your friendship is inevitable. Accept FATE! AHAHAHA" was one, amongst the many.

Okay, so I'm still incoherent. I just.. I'm still giddy. So giddy that I think I'll snoopy dance.

Adieu!

Epiphany..!

Oh it was a wonderously wonderful revelation. The best kind. Covered in chocolate and oozing with wisdom. "What is it?", I hear you say! The suspense of it all must be driving you crazy with every unrelated word you read..! Why is she not saying what epiphany has hit at 5 a.m!? Why must she continue her drivel?

Fear not! I shall reveal to you all my epiphany!

EPIPHANY: While doing the laundry unasked is always appreciated, washing load after load of dirty clothes at 3 a.m is really not helping my insomnia problem.

Oh the idiocy of it all. Yes. I've been doing laundry since 3 a.m.. I'm now on my last load, while I write my blog, and shuffle things around my room in my latest attempt to clean it. I feel very much like I've had several bags of sugar and cuploads of coffee, I'm not shaking just yet.. But the urge to vibrate gently as I flutter around my room is.. I fear, too much to handle.

I haven't even had any sugar and/or coffee.

Its just one of those phases I go through where I sleep the day away, and stay awake till 8 a.m, wired as f*ck. I'm jumpy and flitty and I feel so charged I may very well burst into song any minute now.

Insomnia has strange effects on me.

I tried staying up all day so I can rest once night comes. Didn't work. I tried exercise. Didn't work. I tried sleeping all day, so I can wake up refreshed in the morning..! Didn't work.

How exactly does one get rid of insomnia?

AHA! :D

Tell me you didn't sh*t yourself laughing when you play the clip..! Oh dear lord Mark Paul Gosselaar as Zack Morris - My first TV boyfriend.

Seriously. HUGE crush. I loved Zack Morris - haven't met a guy like him yet, unfortunately. But I can still wish, right? ;P

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Weddings and friendships.

I was so unbelievably happy on Saturday. A girl I grew up with, got married.

We were friends all through our last year of junior high, hung out a lot in high school even though we ended up at different schools, but lost contact around the start of uni. Maybe a little bit before. But I knew the guy she got married to, I was there at the beginning of their relationship, and I remembered the stories.

So I was there at her wedding. Huge smile on my face. Extremely excited for some reason. And it occurred to me that I didn't really enjoy weddings that much. All the fuss and bother and the frills and ceremonies.. And trust me, Indonesians are good at ceremonies. But I was giddy nonetheless.

If I didn't enjoy weddings so much, why was I so happy?

Because I found that in life, there will always be those people who you will always be happy for no matter how much time has passed, or how little communication you've had. There are people who you'll always love and adore and celebrate.

I maybe all of 23, but I do believe it.

And you my dearest Mahis, for me you're one of those special people. Sorry it took me a while to realize it. I sincerely wish you all the best in your new life. I don't think there are words enough to express just how happy I was to see you on that stage with your dress and make up, radiant and gorgeous, hands clasped as you mouthed the words to your wedding song.

*I seriously can't help grinning as I write this*

.it's a bug's life.

Originally posted at my dA, x-posted at my flickr

See? Colours!!