Friday, 26 June 2009

Urges, indeed.

My latest attempt at controlling certain annoying urges I have - has failed.. quite miserably.

I alphabetized my book shelf so I can stop being so anal about the way its organized, but I took one look at it once it was done and felt so miserable I ended up locking myself up in the bathroom for five minutes.

I used to chop up my book shelf into bits. Dividing my books into genres that don't make much sense except to me.. Here's just an example of one - YA fantasy books I like: sub category - stand alones (organized by author, then height, then thickness), finished series and ongoing series. Then there's the YA fantasy books I tolerate, and then YA fantasy books I like but can live without.

See, in my head this makes sense.

This of course ends up with me being incredibly frustrated and pretty much pissed a lot of the times when people pick books off my shelf and put them in random places they really don't belong in.

All my ex-housemates can and will happily testify just how messy I am. I seriously leave everything out, jumbled up, and no - most of the times you can't see the floor. But being neat is just too exhausting. And will end up with me snarling if you so much as put one thing out of place, and this of course in turn will end up with me having no friends. Being messy is a much friendlier option. My friends can tell me off and make fun of me - but at least I'll still have friends.

I wish I could be reasonable about this, but its so hard.

And its so idiotic that I'm having a mini-breakdown because of my books.

Dear Goddess above..! I'm so frustrated right now. I can't have my books fully organized because at least 25% of it is out on loan, and there are some missing that I can't account for (which makes me want to scratch my face off). And having them alphabetized doesn't make sense. And I want to change it all to the way it was, so I can feel safe and good and comfortable. BUT I WONT.

Because this really needs to stop.

And this is only my attempt at organizing my books. Which I'll admit is a big part of me as a person and my life (I can die happy amidst books), but I really can't imagine how I'll cope when I start simplifying my wardrobe, my jewelery drawer.. and shoes.. ARGH.

It sounds ridiculous, I know. I want to give in. And this might not make sense to lots of people.. Why change things you're comfortable with, if it makes you this angry? Why indeed..

I guess I'm trying to prove to myself that I control my urges, and not the other way around.

Ah fuck this.


colson said...

But, but, eh.. this description of yours strongly reminds me: here you presenteda rare talent.....

I meanspontaneous people - the one's who act on the spur of the moment, who don't tidy up in a compulsory way, who give in to their impulses, who are seemingly disorganized... and who yet are endowed with an abundant quantity of self-knowledge and try sometimes to keep their characteristic qualities in check just to please friends and relatives- those people are usually the nicest, the best, the most entertaining, the most creative of all people.

But I think they live their anarchistic life to the full and shouldn't put any cap on their fascinating personality.

Especially if they are lovers of books ( that's a characteristic I can claim we share).

Anonymous said... true,so true....

sometimes u cant even see the floor,,no to be exact "u or i nor anybody whos been to ur room CAN see your BED!!!!

i cant even remember seeing anything except those piles of clothes.....but hey,,i do tht too

nothing to complain :D
we can live happily together, n go mad realising weve driven all the hot guys away cause our house is so messy :DD